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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27107089">A Conspiracy of Idiots</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sixthlight/pseuds/Sixthlight'>Sixthlight</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Old Guard (Movie 2020)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - No Powers, Assumed Fake Relationship, Background Booker/Booker's Wife, Community: theoldguardkinkmeme, Everybody Is Holding The Idiot Ball, Gen, Implied Nile/Copley, M/M, Minor Andy | Andromache of Scythia/Quynh | Noriko, Romantic Comedy, Weddings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 16:21:02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,285</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27107089</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sixthlight/pseuds/Sixthlight</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“It’s been eighteen months!” said Quỳnh. “First Joe's new boyfriend is a doctor and working shifts, then he doesn’t use social media, then he’s studying in Manchester, then he’s shy and doesn’t like photos – it’s getting transparent. I’m almost embarrassed for Joe.”</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>72</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>1550</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>A Conspiracy of Idiots</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“What do you think,” Quỳnh was saying to Nile, “will be Joe’s excuse for his imaginary boyfriend not making the wedding?”</p>
<p>“Come on,” Nile said. “We shouldn’t write him off until he doesn’t show.”</p>
<p>“It’s been eighteen months!” Quỳnh said. “First he is a doctor and working shifts, then he doesn’t use social media, then he’s studying in Manchester, then he’s shy and doesn’t like photos – it’s getting transparent. I’m almost embarrassed for Joe.”</p>
<p>“It is weird,” Nile agreed. “It’s not like he <em>couldn’t</em> get a real partner if he wanted. He’s cute, he’s charming, he’s a competent adult…I have half-a-dozen friends who’d fall all over that if he wanted me to set him up.”</p>
<p>“I think he’s just doubled down one too many times and doesn’t know how to end it.”</p>
<p>“Maybe.”</p>
<p>“Are we talking about Joe’s imaginary boyfriend?” Andy said, joining them. She was wearing a very sharp suit in pale grey, to contrast her girlfriend’s deep green mermaid-train dress. “Any sightings yet?”</p>
<p>“No,” said Quỳnh. “But I hear Booker is having a quiet freak-out upstairs.”</p>
<p>“<em>Booker</em>’s freaking out?” Nile said. That would be new. “Should we go check on him?”</p>
<p>“He’ll be fine,” Andy said. “It’s just a big deal. He wanted to elope. Adèle’s family wanted the big wedding. This was the compromise.”</p>
<p>“I’m not sure hiring a mansion in the south of France is a <em>compromise</em> for eloping.” Nile wrinkled her nose.</p>
<p>Quỳnh laughed. “Oh, I promise it is, considering what he told us about the proposed guest list. This is just people they’re both friends with. Although speaking of – do either of you know who <em>that</em> is?”</p>
<p>She nodded towards the doorway, where a white man was looking around as though he didn’t know anybody. He was dressed for the wedding, in a well-fitting jacket, and tall and good-looking in a way that would make people take note; Nile certainly was, and she wasn’t often that into men.</p>
<p>“No, but I can go and find out,” Nile said.</p>
<p>“Please do,” said Quỳnh. “The last thing Book and Adèle need is anybody trying to crash.”</p>
<p>“We’re on it,” Andy said.</p>
<p>Andy trailed Nile as she approached the stranger. He turned towards her with a smile. <em>Damn</em>, he was easy on the eyes when he smiled.</p>
<p>“Hello,” he said, in a strong Italian accent. “Are you Nile? I think I recognise you from some of Joe’s photos.”</p>
<p>“Uh, I guess I am,” Nile said, switching her champagne flute from hand to hand as he held out his to shake. “And you are…?”</p>
<p>“Nicky. I’m here with Joe. Joe al-Kaysani?”</p>
<p>She almost fumbled the flute, and <em>very </em>narrowly avoided spilling champagne on her dress. “You – <em>you’re</em> the famous Nicky?”</p>
<p>“Were you expecting someone else?”</p>
<p>“No!” Nile blurted. “No, of course not. Where’s Joe?”</p>
<p>“Parking the car. But I am not sure why it’s taking him so long.”</p>
<p>“You have to go quite a way around the back,” Andy said. “Hi. I’m Andy. If you’re Joe’s boyfriend, I’m sure he’s mentioned me as well.”</p>
<p>“Of course,” ‘Nicky’ said at once. “You are a journalist. I read your article last month on negative trial data being hidden by pharmaceutical companies. It was very interesting professionally.”</p>
<p>“Thank you,” Andy said. Nile mentally ticked off <em>done his research</em>. “And professionally, you are…”</p>
<p>“A doctor,” Nicky said. “I work in Accident and Emergency. I am sure Joe mentioned how lucky it was that I managed to get the weekend off for this wedding. I am so excited to meet all of Joe’s friends, after all this time.”</p>
<p>“And of course we’re excited too,” said Nile, who genuinely couldn’t figure out if this guy was for real. He was just <em>too</em>good-looking for her to buy it. “Are you staying here, or…?”</p>
<p>“Yes, our bags are just out there,” he said, pointing back out into the entrance hall. “Do you know who I would speak to about where our room is?”</p>
<p>Nile pointed him in the direction of James, the wedding organiser. He went off to speak to him with a smile.</p>
<p>“Fake?” Andy said, as soon as he was out of earshot.</p>
<p>“Oh, definitely,” Nile said. “There is no way Joe just accidentally stumbled into a handsome, polite Italian doctor who mysteriously wasn’t available to meet Joe’s friends for the first <em>year and a half</em> of their relationship.”</p>
<p>“I know he got sick of us trying to set him up,” said Andy, “but honestly, he’s the best man, he didn’t have to bring a date.”</p>
<p>“Probably thought we’d try to set him up with a bridesmaid.”</p>
<p>“They’re all in relationships,” Andy said. “I asked. Just in case.”</p>
<p>“Still,” Nile said. “Let’s be nice to this guy. He’s just doing his job, or a favour for a friend, or whatever it is. No need to make a scene about it.”</p>
<p>“Fine, fine,” Andy grumbled, and then Quỳnh waved them into a conversation.</p>
<p>*</p>
<p>“How’s it going?” Joe asked, when he finally showed up. “Sorry, love; the carpark is a million miles away. I should have taken walking shoes.”</p>
<p>“You did, they’re in your bag,” Nicky reminded him, tilting his head up for a quick kiss. He and Joe had seen each other so little over the last year, while he’d been doing professional training in Manchester; it was amazing to have this weekend away with him, and finally meet all his friends. “Which is in our room, I managed to get that all sorted.”</p>
<p>“Thank you,” Joe said. “Have you met anybody yet?”</p>
<p>“I met your friend Nile. And your friend Andy, but I did not recognise her at first.”</p>
<p>Joe laughed. “I’m surprised; you’ve seen enough photos.”</p>
<p>“You and your Instagram account,” Nicky teased him. “Yes, but I think she is always wearing sunglasses in them.”</p>
<p>“Oh, there you two are!” someone said brightly. Nicky turned to see an East Asian woman with a sleek up-do and a beautiful deep-green dress – Quỳnh, that was her name, it had to be. “Joe, you need to introduce Nicky to everybody properly. Booker’s finally got over his funk and he’s down here mingling.”</p>
<p>“He was in a funk?” Joe’s shoulders squared. “We can’t have that.”</p>
<p>“We all know you’ll take your best man duties very seriously,” Nicky said, linking an arm through his. “Come introduce me to your friends.” He nodded to the woman. “You must be Quỳnh, of course. I’m Nicky.”</p>
<p>“Oh, you’ve done your research,” she said, amused, which was a little odd but Nicky had only just met her; maybe that was a normal thing for her to say. “Yes. Definitely come over here.”</p>
<p>Nicky spent the next half-hour, before Booker and Joe slipped away to get ready for the ceremony, as the centre of attention; he had been expecting it a little, but it was really very kind, how everybody wanted to know about him and his work and his family and how he and Joe had met. He told them the story, which was very funny if you skipped over the part where it involved Joe getting hit by a car – “You always say it like that, it was my <em>bike</em> that got hit, I just had an embarrassing fall –” Joe interrupted.</p>
<p>“Sshhh, I’m telling this story,” Nicky said, patting his arm. “So, I am told there’s a cyclist who has been hit by a car, which is of course very serious, possible head and neck injury, the last thing I expect is that he <em>will not shut up</em> –”</p>
<p>Andy and Quỳnh and Booker and Nile all laughed at the right moments, and Joe made embarrassed noises but mostly to keep the story going, and then it was time for the ceremony. Nicky ended up sitting next to Nile. When she started to tear up, he offered her his handkerchief.</p>
<p>“Oh my god, you are <em>unreal</em>,” she muttered, taking it and sniffing. “I’m sorry – this is just all so lovely –”</p>
<p>“I agree,” Nicky said, feeling a bit misty-eyed. He and Joe hadn’t talked about marriage yet – there were some logistical and theological complications – but he liked the idea, very much. He could see Andy and Quỳnh, next to them, holding hands. He wiped at his eyes with the back of his hand, having given his handkerchief to Nile.</p>
<p>Andy gave him a very sharp look; he wondered why, but then the couple were coming down the aisle and everybody was standing and cheering and the moment was gone.</p>
<p>*</p>
<p>“Okay, no, <em>extremely</em> fake,” Nile said. “Nobody real carries a handkerchief.”</p>
<p>“I don’t like it,” Andy said, screwing up her nose. They were talking through Joe’s best man speech, which was a little rude, but they were off to the side and he had made them be the test audience, so they knew all the laugh lines. “I have an idea. Two ideas, actually.”</p>
<p>“Andy,” Nile said cautiously. “We don’t want to ruin Joe’s weekend. Much less Booker and Adèle’s. Maybe we could just…”</p>
<p>“Oooh, <em>two</em> ideas,” said Quỳnh. “Tell me.”</p>
<p>Andy leant over and whispered something in Quỳnh’s ear.</p>
<p>“I love it.” Quỳnh grinned. “I’m in.”</p>
<p>“What – no, actually, don’t tell me,” Nile said. “I think it’s better if I don’t know.”</p>
<p>“You’re absolutely right,” Andy said, clapping her on the shoulder.</p>
<p>*</p>
<p>“Great job on the speech,” Nicky told Joe, as the rest of the reception got underway. It was a buffet dinner; they were standing in line. “You’d been saving some of those lines up for years, hadn’t you?”</p>
<p>“Absolutely,” said Joe. “And now I’ve got it out of the way, I can enjoy myself. I hope you’re ready to dance with me after dinner.”</p>
<p>“Of course,” Nicky said. “I’ve been looking forward to it.”</p>
<p>Someone grabbed him by the shoulder and whirled him around. It was Andy.</p>
<p>“You’re a doctor, right?” she said. “Quỳnh’s choking on something – come with me –”</p>
<p>Nicky sprinted after her, to where her girlfriend was doubled over, coughing. He relaxed when he got there; it wasn’t serious.</p>
<p>“It’s okay, it’s okay,” he said, rubbing her back. “Someone get a glass of water – here, there you go.”</p>
<p>“Thanks,” croaked Quỳnh.</p>
<p>“You’re not going to do the Heimlich thing?” said Andy.</p>
<p>“Oh, no, no.” Nicky shook his head. “You can hurt someone if you do that when it’s not necessary. If she’s coughing, she is breathing.” He turned back to Quỳnh. “Better?”</p>
<p>Quỳnh waved a hand. “Yes, yes.”</p>
<p>A circle had gathered; Nicky smiled awkwardly at them and slipped away, back to Joe.</p>
<p>“That was weird,” Joe said. “I wonder what she was eating?”</p>
<p>“What?”</p>
<p>“They were behind us in the line.” Joe shrugged. “Never mind, here we go.” He handed Nicky a plate.</p>
<p>*</p>
<p>“So….<em>maybe</em> a doctor, but I’m not convinced,” muttered Andy to Nile. “Enough for me to move to stage two. Good job, honey.”</p>
<p>“My stomach hurts,” Quỳnh complained; she’d coughed herself into a real coughing fit. “What about the second idea?”</p>
<p>“We’ll wait until the dancing starts and people are moving around,” Andy said.</p>
<p>“I take it back, what I said about not wanting to know,” Nile said. “Tell me what it is.”</p>
<p>“I was wrong earlier. One of the bridesmaids just broke up with her boyfriend. She’s a photographer, she lives in London, her family’s from Tunisia. She’s perfect. I’m going to introduce her to Joe. <em>You</em> can help by asking Nicky to dance.”</p>
<p>“Well, I guess,” Nile said. “Won’t be a hardship. But I’m not seducing him for you.”</p>
<p>“I would never,” said Andy.</p>
<p>“You had that in your back pocket, don’t lie,” said Quỳnh.</p>
<p>“Well, maybe.”</p>
<p>The hardest thing about getting Nicky to dance wasn’t getting him on the dancefloor; it was getting him away from Joe. They were dancing up a storm together, clearly having fun. Nile felt guilty, but Andy seemed pretty convinced about Adèle’s bridesmaid, Nadia, and she was clever about people. It was what made her such a good interviewer. And Joe did deserve someone; he was a genuinely good person.</p>
<p>“Go on, go on,” Joe said to them. “I can use a breather. Can I get you anything to drink, babe?”</p>
<p>“In a little while,” Nicky said. “Come on, Nile.”</p>
<p>He was a good dancer, and Nile had fun, but it was only dancing; he wasn’t into her. She didn’t mind, but it did make her wonder if…the whole bicycle crash story was straight out of a bad romcom, but maybe…</p>
<p>“I need a break now,” Nicky said, chest heaving, when that song ended. “But thank you, that was fun. Can I get you anything?”</p>
<p>“Oh, uh, some water?” Nile said. She could see Joe talking to Nadia; he was leaning back in a chair, relaxed, so hopefully it was going well. Nadia seemed into it, though it was hard to tell with the low light and at this distance. Nicky vanished.</p>
<p>“Good job,” Andy said, appearing at her side. “If we can just keep it going for another ten minutes –”</p>
<p>It looked like Nadia was gesturing towards the dance floor. Joe opened his mouth, but then Nicky reappeared, right next to him. Nadia’s shoulders sagged, but she said something and laughed and then got up and left.</p>
<p>“It was going <em>so</em> well,” Andy mourned. Nicky put his hand on Joe’s shoulder and bent over to say something to him, and then headed for Nile and Andy.</p>
<p>“Your water, Nile,” he said.</p>
<p>“Thank you!” Nile took it. “Do you –”</p>
<p>“Oh, Joe and I are feeling a bit tired, we might turn in,” Nicky said. “I hope you have a good evening! We’ll see you in the morning, of course.” From his table, Joe waved at them; Nicky went back to join him, and they started to move away.</p>
<p>“You might have overplayed that, Andy,” Nile said.</p>
<p>“Nonsense,” Andy said. “Come with me.”</p>
<p>“What –”</p>
<p>Nile followed Andy through the crowd, and then tiptoed after her down the hall; Andy was moving silently and in a very focused way. Nile, whose life had never involved any particular need to be silent except not giggling in life drawing classes, was slightly alarmed.</p>
<p>“They went this way,” Andy whispered, “and I – oh <em>shit</em>.”</p>
<p>Nile almost walked into her. She stood on tiptoe to peer over Andy’s shoulder. They were standing in one of the back corridors, past the house’s kitchens. The door to the back gardens was open. Out there, in the moonlight, she could see Nicky. Joe was on one knee in front of him.</p>
<p>“Are they –”</p>
<p>“Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,” Andy hissed, and dragged her back down the hall.</p>
<p>“Andy, oh my <em>god</em>,” Nile hissed back. “He was <em>proposing</em>.”</p>
<p>“He’s fucking with us!”</p>
<p>“Andy, no.”</p>
<p>“Andy, where have you – what is going on?” Quỳnh appeared out of nowhere.</p>
<p>“I think Joe’s proposing!” Nile said.</p>
<p>“I don’t understand what’s going on,” Andy wailed, but quietly.</p>
<p>“I think we gave it a shot and it’s not working,” Quỳnh said. “Come on, Andy.”</p>
<p>Nile was left on her own in the darkened corridor. She debated with herself a full thirty seconds before tiptoeing back towards where she’d seen Joe and Nicky, but when she finally spotted them again, they were half-way into one of the hedges during something that they <em>definitely</em> didn’t want an audience for, so she left them to it.</p>
<p>“Hey,” she said to herself. “Wedding tradition that the best man gets to get laid. Time for me to see if I can go do the same thing.”</p>
<p>*</p>
<p>Nicky felt on top of the world the next morning. It had genuinely never occurred to him that Joe might take advantage of this weekend to ask Nicky to marry him. It had been the easiest answer of his life.</p>
<p>Everybody else was very bleary-eyed, including the happy couple. Nicky was fine; it was no fun for Joe if he got plastered when Joe couldn’t, so he’d confined himself to one glass of champagne. Plus, he knew too much about what it did to your liver.</p>
<p>“Good morning,” he said happily to Nile at breakfast. “I hope the rest of your evening went well.”</p>
<p>“Oh, uh, it was alright,” Nile said, stretching; she didn’t seem completely laid out by the festivities. “Not bad. You know.” She was looking at something over Nicky’s shoulder; he couldn’t help turning, and saw it was James, the wedding planner, on the other side of the room.</p>
<p>“Oh, I think I do,” he said. Nile grinned, only a little sheepishly.</p>
<p>“Good morning!” Joe said, bright and beautiful. “The coffee is acceptable, love, you can risk it.”</p>
<p>“Thank you for checking,” Nicky said, accepting the cup.</p>
<p>“So, uh,” Nile said, looking between them. “You guys…know each other pretty well.”</p>
<p>“We’ve been dating for nearly two years, Nile,” Joe said. “Of course we do.”</p>
<p>“Yep. Yep. Yeah,” Nile said. This didn’t make a lot of sense to Nicky. Maybe she was still hungover.</p>
<p>Andy seated herself at their table with a groan. She was wearing sunglasses. “It is too early for breakfast. Quỳnh, can you…”</p>
<p>“You drank that last glass of wine all on your own, you’re getting your own coffee,” said her girlfriend. She looked a little better. Andy groaned, and staggered off.</p>
<p>“Right,” Quỳnh said, leaning forward on her elbows. “Nicky. My girlfriend has a theory that you’re a fake.”</p>
<p>“What?” said Joe. “Who?”</p>
<p>“Him,” she said, nodding to Nicky. “Because we told you to put up or shut up, with your mysterious boyfriend nobody had ever seen, and then you produce this…Italian supermodel doctor…and we’re supposed to believe it’s real?”</p>
<p>Nicky nearly choked on his coffee, then started laughing; he couldn’t stop. “You think I’m an <em>escort</em> or something?”</p>
<p>“Quỳnh!” Joe exclaimed, outraged. “Of course he’s real! He’s right here!”</p>
<p>Quỳnh shrugged. “Doesn’t mean he’s really your boyfriend.”</p>
<p>“They were doing boyfriend things in the garden last night,” Nile said, meaningfully. Nicky’s laughter sobered up enough for him to give her a dry look. If she’d come looking for them and seen things she didn’t want to, that was her problem. Nile just shrugged and sipped her coffee.</p>
<p>“I don’t believe – I was <em>proposing</em> to him in the garden last night! We’re getting married!” Joe could not be silenced.</p>
<p>“And then you were doing other things, love, that’s fair.” Nicky winked at him. “Which hopefully will keep happening a lot. When we’re married.”</p>
<p>Joe’s indignance broke at that; he laughed, and took Nicky’s hand. Nicky couldn’t believe how lucky he was.</p>
<p>“Ohhhhhhh my god,” Nile groaned, leaning her face into her hands. “I cannot believe I let Andy persuade me this was a con.”</p>
<p>“It is a con,” Andy said, reappearing with coffee just as Nile finished speaking. “Fuck it; Joe, we know what’s going on. Your cover is blown. But, look, it’s alright. You didn’t have to make up a boyfriend for two years. You could have just asked us to stop setting you up with people.”</p>
<p>Quỳnh put a hand on her arm. “Andy, no. I think –”</p>
<p>Andy waved her off. “I’m too hungover to care anymore.”</p>
<p>“I’m really sorry to disappoint you,” Nicky said, “but, truly, everything is as it seems. I am a very boring non-supermodel Italian doctor who met Joe when he came into A&amp;E after a car hit his bike, and we are getting married, and despite my neolithic lack of a Facebook account – that is a Joe quote, I’m sure you can tell – I am very, very real.”</p>
<p>That was too much for Nile; she collapsed onto the table, giggling. Joe covered his mouth with his hand, but his eyes were full of mirth. Even Quỳnh was shaking her head.</p>
<p>“What?” Andy looked around, rubbing her forehead. “Quỳnh - Quỳnh – come on, help me out here – why is everybody laughing?”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Written for <a href="https://theoldguardkinkmeme.dreamwidth.org/5552.html?thread=1798064#cmt1798064">this kink meme prompt:</a></p>
<p>
  <em> Joe has a totally-real-no-I-swear boyfriend named Nicky, but he lives in Canada Italy and works weird hours so he isn't available to call or Skype or zoom or FaceTime with anyone ever, and he's really shy so Joe doesn't have any pictures of him, but he's REAL, REALLY. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>He's clearly lying. Dude just got tired of his friends trying to set him up with people and made up a fake boyfriend. Which like, whatever, but you don't have to lie to your friends about it, you know?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>But then...... formal event (Andromaquynh wedding?). Plus one. Bring your totally-real boyfriend or admit you don't have one, JOE. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Joe comes. He brings some absolute model and introduces him as Nicky, but everyone knows he's been lying about it and must have just hired someone to play his boyfriend for the night. Cue everyone subtly trying to catch them in a lie while yes-it-is-actually-Joe's-boyfriend Nicky is very happy to be so included in the group because his boyfriend's friends are all so lovely and want to get to know him better </em>
</p></blockquote></div></div>
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